Growing

It's amazing now that I'm actually showing. I'm getting bigger every week and everyone's starting to notice...including me! I put on my favorite comfy clothes today, and my belly is hanging out even more. Even some of my maternity clothes I bought are starting to get a little tighter. I feel movement every day now and Bean's expecially feisty when we're discussing something heated...perhaps it's my endorphins :O)

My mood lately has been better than it has in a really long time. The funny thing is that I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey through pregnancy and motherhood as a cancer survivor. I thought that the turmoil that I went through during that last year would have more of an effect on me, but it's almost as if it's just a fleeting thing. I hardly ever think about my status of a cancer survivor. Yes, sometimes I still find myself running my fingers along my neck and colar bones, making sure I don't feel any weird lumps...but that's just the same as a normal woman doing a monthly breast check for lumps. It's funny, because I'm actually looking forward to going to see my oncologist, because I know that everyone there will be excited at our miracle.

I want to be an inspiration to other young men and women so they know it's still possible. Maybe conceiving a child isn't going to be possible for one reason or another, but it is possible to have a normal life after cancer. It is possible...

Counting Down

So, I had another monthly baby mama doctor's appointment yesterday. It is always so exciting to me to hear little Bean's heartbeat. It was strong and steady...I hope he/she is the same, strong and steady. I'm 17 weeks along now, and we have three weeks until we find out if Bean has a hot dog or a taco! ;o) I can't wait to find out, give Bean a real name, and decorate the nursery. We have so much to do in the next five months, and it's hard to believe that we'll have a little one in our arms before Christmas.

I'm starting to grow, and looking a little more pregnant than just fat. I started feeling a little movement, mostly just stirs but every once and awhile a little bump. I'm sure the little one will be feisty like mom. I love feeling Bean move and I find we interact with him/her even more these days as his/her presence is made known to the world. I've only gained 8 pounds since finding out that I'm pregnant. That makes me feel good, like I'm doing something right. Now only if I hadn't gained back all the weight I lost before I got pregnant. Oh well, when I have a toddler to run around with and take for bike rides it will all melt away...

I found out some bad news about one of my friends I've made in the cancer world. Sarah found out she was pregnant as she was beginning her stem cell transplant. For the beginning part of her pregnancy the cancer stayed at bay. She looked great, and she and her hubby were excited about the prospect of having a baby. However, her cancer has come back. Her due date has been pushed from August to July, and they're giving her steroid injections to help the baby's lungs develop so they can induce labor. Sarah faces a stem cell transplant this fall after she undergoes more chemo to get her back into remission. I know she's worried, and even as a cancer survivor myself I have no words of wisdom for her. The fact of the matter is that I can't imagine the thought of having to be separated from my baby, I can't imagine having to cut off breast feeding and be sick during Bean's first months of life, where everything happens so fast. All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family. But it's things like this that make the cancer surviving mom's experience unique; you never know if the cancer will come back and jepordize the high hopes you have. It scares me to think of this happening to us...

But, you can't live life in fear!

So we made the decision not to have the quad-scan that tests for certain birth defects. When we thought about the test, most of what they test for there's no correction for. Basically, if the baby has Downs Syndrome, it is what it is. If the baby has anecephaly or severe spina bifida, neither of us believe in abortion under any circumstances so it would simply just add stress to my remaining days of being pregnant. Letting nature take its course has gotten me this far, and I'm amazed at how my faith in that concept has rewarded me. So, why tempt any of the bad stuff? Why tempt the anxiety? It is what it is and whatever life brings me I'll face, just like everything else. The funny thing is that this is the best I've felt in a long time. I've gone off of my anxiety meds and feel better about life and my future than ever before. For the first time in a long time I look forward to what the future has ahead for us. I imagine the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms, the suckling at my breast, the gazing into each other's eyes...then, watching Bean grow and make all the milestones babies make, hearing Bean talk and wondering what the first words will be. It's all so exciting! It will make everything we've been through just a faded memory, and life will be that much more sweet!

Sad News...

I am saddened to report the passing of a true hero in the young adult cancer community. Allan Goldberg, executive director for First Descents, passed away on Sunday, June 22, 2008 at the age of 40. This man was truly an inspiration to many young adult cancer survivors as he himself was a cancer survior twice over. Some of you may or may not know that I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a First Descents camp last year. First Descents is an outdoor adventure program for young adult cancer survivors, age 18-39. It is the only camp of its kind that uses nature and adventure sports to show us that we're not broken and we can still live life! Camp was a turning point for me last year, as not only was I challenging my limits more than I had in my entire life, I was doing it just six months after chemo and radition treatments. It changed my perspective on what being a cancer survivor is, and I have Allan to thank for that. In September, I had an opportunity to spend some time with Allan at the Cure Magazine Survivor's Forum where FD and Planet Cancer sponsored a Young Adult Track. He asked me to speak about FD from a camper's perspective, and even razzed me for learning my Eskimo roll quicker than he did. He will be truly missed.

I relayed the information to other campers that we went to camp with. Ilana, who has become a dear friend, called me and we cried together. It's events like this that throw us back into that world and remind us that we are not invincible. At the same time, they remind us that life is short and you never know it's outcome...so live life to its fullest.

“In the big game, you can lose with a full house and win with a pair of threes… you just never know.” - Allan Goldberg

Could it be?

I think I felt movement today for the first time! YAY!

I'm getting to the point where everthing is getting so real now. It's hard in the beginning because you don't feel or look pregnant, you don't feel anything different. Maybe very tender breasts, but no real obvious symptoms of pregnancy. Now I'm starting to feel pregnant and it's the greatest feeling in the world!

Decisions, Decisions

With a heavy heart, I had to make a difficult decision today. With everything going on in my life, I'm so overwhelmed. I absolutely don't want to miss anything, any of the changes my body is going through, any of the events that are coming up. And I surely don't want to be so busy that when Bean comes I don't have enough time for all of those milestones. So, I have made the decision to step away from my role with i2y. I still feel extremely passionate about the young adult cancer population, and believe me if I could make i2y my full-time job in the future I will definitely be there. But there's simply not enough time in the day, and between the new job with LLS (which I love), school, my pregnancy and our property management business which leaves John unavailable, I have to let something go. I'm so sad it has to be this, but I can't see anything else. I've also stepped away a little from the pipe band, and haven't quite decided what my role will be there. I just want to cherish the next six months and everything it has in store...

It's Real

So, I'm really bad at this blogging stuff, but being that I'm spending some sick time at home with a bad cold I figured I'd take some time to update everyone.

So, last Wednedsay we had another baby-mama appointment. It was short and quick, but one of the most exciting ones so far. We heard little Bean's heartbeat for the first time. It was a moment that made everything more real. It's difficult right now because I'm starting to feel better (fatigue wise) but I'm not officially showing yet, or feeling any baby movements...so the hearbeat really brought things home. But in looking at all the baby sites, I should start showing any time now and movements are right around the corner!

Our visit did bring up our first of many decisions that John and I must make along the road through parenthood. We're reaching a time where a first screening test will be done, one to test for Downs Syndrome and neural tube defects. We could opt to have the testing or not have the testing, with it just letting us know if there are any problems. John and I decided to do some research on whether any of these defects can be corrected before birth. If they can, then we'll have the testing. However, if there's nothing that we'll be able to do to correct any issues, then I'd rather not have the testing. If my only choice will be to terminate the pregnancy or let nature take its course, then nature it will be. As difficult as I know it would be having a baby that has a disability, or worse yet is stillborn or dies shortly after birth, I still strongly believe that event the most difficult life events have a message to be learned, and I won't tempt fate or play with my path.

It's hard to believe that my next visit we'll be setting up my 20 week ultrasound, when we'll finally learn if Bean will be born with a taco or a bannana! Then the planning can really begin. I've started my registries and gotten everthing on there I can without knowing the sex of the baby. There's so many things, and I don't want to be one of those moms who needs all the primo stuff, but I also want to have things to make my life easier. There's some things that I'm just amazed at the price of! Co-sleepers, breast pumps, changing tables...WOW! But there's also some really cool stuff that will really make life easier. Looking at all that stuff makes me that much more excited to have Bean in my arms...

I can't wait!