The Miracle of Life

We had our first ultrasound yesterday, and we have a little six-week old bean! It was amazing to see the little heart beating so powerfully. I think you can actually see the little flaps of arms and legs beginning to emerge. My mind is put a little more at ease now that I saw that beating heart. They say that once you see that your chances of miscarriage decrease tremendously. But, I'd be lying if I said that it still wasn't on my mind. I just want everything to go well. I know I"m taking a risk, putting my pregnancy out there and telling everyone about it before that twelve-week window elapses. I know I will be crushed and devistated if anything happens to little baby Steinman, but I also know that I will be helping others who have gone through, or will be going through this process one day. That was my goal of making this all so public. So, I will again have faith that everything has a purpose, even if that purpose is education.

My mom and I went and oogled at baby goodies after my ultrasound. It was so much fun looking at all the amazing stuff out there, and imagining it all being in my house. I can't wait to have the warmth of my baby's body against mine, to smell his (or her) hair, to see his eye's for the first time. I can't wait for that first smile, the first time he squeezes my finger, or sneezes in my face. I've wanted the joys of motherhood for so long, and for so long feared it would never be mine. I am just grateful for this experience, and I can't wait until he comes into this world.

I wonder if the cancer journey didn't help me a little with the conception process. Prior to my cancer I had also been diagnosed with endometriosis and hormone irregularities. I wonder if the chemo maybe didn't kill off some remaining endometrial tissue that could have prevented a pregnancy. I wonder if the Depo didn't regulate my hormones just long enough to make conception possible. I'm going to stick with my theory, which makes it possible that cancer isn't all bad. Well, I already knew that it wasn't all bad. Cancer has changed my life. I don't know if I'd say that it's changed who I am, but it has definitely changed my path. And I'm loving the path I'm on. But I still have to say: SCREW YOU CANCER! I DID IT ANYWAY, EVEN IF YOU TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY!