Contemplation

So, I had dinner last night with a good friend in the cancer community. I started my new job this week in the city, and though exhausted, Kairol made me baked chicken with organic tomatoes and a great pasta salad with olives and artichokes...mmmm... After dinner, and over some yummy tea and pastries, we discussed my pregnancy and my blog, and just about life after and during cancer. It was a free for all, and boy can she and I talk! It's great to be able to talk to someone about the cancer stuff, and not have them look at me like I'm an alien. But our talk stirred up a whole lot of issues, concerns and excitements.

John and I are so unbelievably excited about our new addition...our little tax write-off we have so lovingly coined. We've talked about all the fun things to come, the birthdays, the holidays. We've started looking at baby gear; I even started my registry (I know, I'm lame!) But it's so great to finally have something good to look forward to. After the last year and a half of only having those dreaded scans that tell you that you have another 6 months to live cancer free, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something positive to look forward to, and now we have it!

I wonder what my pregnancy will be like: will I be more susceptible to post-partum depression? Will I appreciate every ache and pain and savor the fact that I'm still alive to feel them, alive to experience them; or will I worry that it's a sign of something bad to come? Will I be a glowing Buddha belly, or a weary anxious blob? Every once in awhile I hear that damn voice, telling me that something bad could still happen: that I could still loose the pregnancy, that my cancer could come back during my pregnancy, that my baby could be born and be diagnosed with cancer at some point. Those are thoughts that frighten me, but I keep pushing them back. For right now, I'm excited about all to come! I have no reservations, but it still strikes me how interwoven my pregnancy is with my cancer experience. If it wasn't for needing to get a scan, I still may not know that I'm pregnant. If it wasn't for my angst over my scans, John and I wouldn't have made the decision to start our family when we did. It's amazing how I wouldn't be where I am without my cancer. Though it's not something warm and fuzzy that I would want to give to someone else, my cancer has taught me a lot, and has given me more opportunity than anything else ever has. It's funny how it works, but I guess it just does.

Well, I've got two more days until my ultrasound which will tell us just how much longer we have to wait for our little bean to come. Then, the next step is finding out if our home will be covered in pink or blue in the months to come. Either way, we just want a happy, healthy child.