Smitten

I can't believe I'm half way through my pregnancy. Today was the most emotional yet. I had my 20 week ultrasound...the one that checks for any fetal abnormalities and also tells us if bean has a hot dog or a taco...I'll save the best for last.

Seeing the ultrasound was just amazing. They check every organ, every body part. We saw the four chambers of Bean's heart powerfully beating at 141 beats per minute. We saw the spine, perfect in every way. The skull, the brain, the little legs crossed at the ankles. I never thought in my life I'd ever be so happy to hear the word "average"! I'll take average any day...

On the ride home, John and I talked about the morning and how excited we are. And more than anything, I'm just so happy I have a perfectly healthy baby! The tears starting welling down my face as I just repeated how happy I was that the baby is healthy. I never want my child to go through the turmoil I've been through. I didn't realize just how much I needed to hear that everything is OK, and I can't stop grinning from ear to ear, smitten with my little one.

Now the shopping begins! The decorating the nursery and making our corner spare bedroom home.

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So, have I kept everyone in suspense long enough? Little Bean is a girl...Mackenzie Elizabeth Steinman.

Growing

It's amazing now that I'm actually showing. I'm getting bigger every week and everyone's starting to notice...including me! I put on my favorite comfy clothes today, and my belly is hanging out even more. Even some of my maternity clothes I bought are starting to get a little tighter. I feel movement every day now and Bean's expecially feisty when we're discussing something heated...perhaps it's my endorphins :O)

My mood lately has been better than it has in a really long time. The funny thing is that I started this blog as a way to chronicle my journey through pregnancy and motherhood as a cancer survivor. I thought that the turmoil that I went through during that last year would have more of an effect on me, but it's almost as if it's just a fleeting thing. I hardly ever think about my status of a cancer survivor. Yes, sometimes I still find myself running my fingers along my neck and colar bones, making sure I don't feel any weird lumps...but that's just the same as a normal woman doing a monthly breast check for lumps. It's funny, because I'm actually looking forward to going to see my oncologist, because I know that everyone there will be excited at our miracle.

I want to be an inspiration to other young men and women so they know it's still possible. Maybe conceiving a child isn't going to be possible for one reason or another, but it is possible to have a normal life after cancer. It is possible...

Counting Down

So, I had another monthly baby mama doctor's appointment yesterday. It is always so exciting to me to hear little Bean's heartbeat. It was strong and steady...I hope he/she is the same, strong and steady. I'm 17 weeks along now, and we have three weeks until we find out if Bean has a hot dog or a taco! ;o) I can't wait to find out, give Bean a real name, and decorate the nursery. We have so much to do in the next five months, and it's hard to believe that we'll have a little one in our arms before Christmas.

I'm starting to grow, and looking a little more pregnant than just fat. I started feeling a little movement, mostly just stirs but every once and awhile a little bump. I'm sure the little one will be feisty like mom. I love feeling Bean move and I find we interact with him/her even more these days as his/her presence is made known to the world. I've only gained 8 pounds since finding out that I'm pregnant. That makes me feel good, like I'm doing something right. Now only if I hadn't gained back all the weight I lost before I got pregnant. Oh well, when I have a toddler to run around with and take for bike rides it will all melt away...

I found out some bad news about one of my friends I've made in the cancer world. Sarah found out she was pregnant as she was beginning her stem cell transplant. For the beginning part of her pregnancy the cancer stayed at bay. She looked great, and she and her hubby were excited about the prospect of having a baby. However, her cancer has come back. Her due date has been pushed from August to July, and they're giving her steroid injections to help the baby's lungs develop so they can induce labor. Sarah faces a stem cell transplant this fall after she undergoes more chemo to get her back into remission. I know she's worried, and even as a cancer survivor myself I have no words of wisdom for her. The fact of the matter is that I can't imagine the thought of having to be separated from my baby, I can't imagine having to cut off breast feeding and be sick during Bean's first months of life, where everything happens so fast. All I can say is that my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family. But it's things like this that make the cancer surviving mom's experience unique; you never know if the cancer will come back and jepordize the high hopes you have. It scares me to think of this happening to us...

But, you can't live life in fear!

So we made the decision not to have the quad-scan that tests for certain birth defects. When we thought about the test, most of what they test for there's no correction for. Basically, if the baby has Downs Syndrome, it is what it is. If the baby has anecephaly or severe spina bifida, neither of us believe in abortion under any circumstances so it would simply just add stress to my remaining days of being pregnant. Letting nature take its course has gotten me this far, and I'm amazed at how my faith in that concept has rewarded me. So, why tempt any of the bad stuff? Why tempt the anxiety? It is what it is and whatever life brings me I'll face, just like everything else. The funny thing is that this is the best I've felt in a long time. I've gone off of my anxiety meds and feel better about life and my future than ever before. For the first time in a long time I look forward to what the future has ahead for us. I imagine the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms, the suckling at my breast, the gazing into each other's eyes...then, watching Bean grow and make all the milestones babies make, hearing Bean talk and wondering what the first words will be. It's all so exciting! It will make everything we've been through just a faded memory, and life will be that much more sweet!

Sad News...

I am saddened to report the passing of a true hero in the young adult cancer community. Allan Goldberg, executive director for First Descents, passed away on Sunday, June 22, 2008 at the age of 40. This man was truly an inspiration to many young adult cancer survivors as he himself was a cancer survior twice over. Some of you may or may not know that I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a First Descents camp last year. First Descents is an outdoor adventure program for young adult cancer survivors, age 18-39. It is the only camp of its kind that uses nature and adventure sports to show us that we're not broken and we can still live life! Camp was a turning point for me last year, as not only was I challenging my limits more than I had in my entire life, I was doing it just six months after chemo and radition treatments. It changed my perspective on what being a cancer survivor is, and I have Allan to thank for that. In September, I had an opportunity to spend some time with Allan at the Cure Magazine Survivor's Forum where FD and Planet Cancer sponsored a Young Adult Track. He asked me to speak about FD from a camper's perspective, and even razzed me for learning my Eskimo roll quicker than he did. He will be truly missed.

I relayed the information to other campers that we went to camp with. Ilana, who has become a dear friend, called me and we cried together. It's events like this that throw us back into that world and remind us that we are not invincible. At the same time, they remind us that life is short and you never know it's outcome...so live life to its fullest.

“In the big game, you can lose with a full house and win with a pair of threes… you just never know.” - Allan Goldberg

Could it be?

I think I felt movement today for the first time! YAY!

I'm getting to the point where everthing is getting so real now. It's hard in the beginning because you don't feel or look pregnant, you don't feel anything different. Maybe very tender breasts, but no real obvious symptoms of pregnancy. Now I'm starting to feel pregnant and it's the greatest feeling in the world!

Decisions, Decisions

With a heavy heart, I had to make a difficult decision today. With everything going on in my life, I'm so overwhelmed. I absolutely don't want to miss anything, any of the changes my body is going through, any of the events that are coming up. And I surely don't want to be so busy that when Bean comes I don't have enough time for all of those milestones. So, I have made the decision to step away from my role with i2y. I still feel extremely passionate about the young adult cancer population, and believe me if I could make i2y my full-time job in the future I will definitely be there. But there's simply not enough time in the day, and between the new job with LLS (which I love), school, my pregnancy and our property management business which leaves John unavailable, I have to let something go. I'm so sad it has to be this, but I can't see anything else. I've also stepped away a little from the pipe band, and haven't quite decided what my role will be there. I just want to cherish the next six months and everything it has in store...

It's Real

So, I'm really bad at this blogging stuff, but being that I'm spending some sick time at home with a bad cold I figured I'd take some time to update everyone.

So, last Wednedsay we had another baby-mama appointment. It was short and quick, but one of the most exciting ones so far. We heard little Bean's heartbeat for the first time. It was a moment that made everything more real. It's difficult right now because I'm starting to feel better (fatigue wise) but I'm not officially showing yet, or feeling any baby movements...so the hearbeat really brought things home. But in looking at all the baby sites, I should start showing any time now and movements are right around the corner!

Our visit did bring up our first of many decisions that John and I must make along the road through parenthood. We're reaching a time where a first screening test will be done, one to test for Downs Syndrome and neural tube defects. We could opt to have the testing or not have the testing, with it just letting us know if there are any problems. John and I decided to do some research on whether any of these defects can be corrected before birth. If they can, then we'll have the testing. However, if there's nothing that we'll be able to do to correct any issues, then I'd rather not have the testing. If my only choice will be to terminate the pregnancy or let nature take its course, then nature it will be. As difficult as I know it would be having a baby that has a disability, or worse yet is stillborn or dies shortly after birth, I still strongly believe that event the most difficult life events have a message to be learned, and I won't tempt fate or play with my path.

It's hard to believe that my next visit we'll be setting up my 20 week ultrasound, when we'll finally learn if Bean will be born with a taco or a bannana! Then the planning can really begin. I've started my registries and gotten everthing on there I can without knowing the sex of the baby. There's so many things, and I don't want to be one of those moms who needs all the primo stuff, but I also want to have things to make my life easier. There's some things that I'm just amazed at the price of! Co-sleepers, breast pumps, changing tables...WOW! But there's also some really cool stuff that will really make life easier. Looking at all that stuff makes me that much more excited to have Bean in my arms...

I can't wait!

Uneventful...good!

So, here we are, just about ten weeks pregnant! It's truly amazing how time flies. It feels like just yesterday I was getting that ultrasound at six weeks, and now it's four weeks later. Things have been pretty uneventful. I started getting a little morning sickness around week seven, but has gotten a little better. The fatigue has been pretty rough...I sometimes try to decide if pregnancy fatigue compares to cancer fatigue. I'm still on the fence about that one.

I had another baby-mama doctor appointment last week. My doctor assures me that everything is going well and is normal. Phew! We tried to listen for a heartbeat, but it's still too early to hear one with the Doppler. We can do another ultrasound if I'm nervous, she told me, but I'm fine. We saw that tiny little heart going at it during the first ultrasound so I'm not worried at all. Besides, we're nearly out of the woods and into my second trimester. AMAZING!

John and I have been thinking a lot about how Bean is going to be (that's our little nickname.) :O) I definitely hope Bean has Daddy's health...God knows Bean doesn't want mine! I hope he or she has my passion, but not my stubbornness. I hope he or she has Daddy's hairless body. I hope that Bean gets our love for music and our excitement for life. I just can't wait to meet him or her! I can't wait to start shopping and putting things all together.

So, this Sunday is my very first Mother's Day! I'm beyond excited for this milestone. I've wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember, and I can't believe that time has come. I just can't wait to see Bean's little face...

Logistics

I didn't realize all the little things that go into being pregnant. You know you have to get the baby stuff, deciding between diferent cribs and different travel systems; you know you have to answer questions about epiurals and episiotomies, breast-feeing versus bottle-feeding. What you don't think about is how, and when to tell people that you're pregnant. I can't keep a secret, so just about everyone knows at this point, but telling my boss was a huge gray area. Part of what made it difficult is that I found out that I'm pregnant one week before starting a new job. Though the hiring process from application to actual start date was almot four months, it certainly wasn't my intention to go into a new job and say "by the way, I'm pregnant!" But life just happens no matter what you do...

I'm still struggling with being in a job that I love and am excited about doing, and that shows value to their employees. It's definitely a place I've never been before, and it's great! My old job had me constantly choosing between work and life, and work usually won. I dealt with discrimination after my return from FMLA leave, and constant stress due to lack of staffing and unclear policies and procedures. Being in a place where I have all those things and then some is new. So, suffice to say I was very nervous about telling my new employer about my new and exciting situation. Not because I don't have faith in them, but because I'm still gaining faith in the workforce. I should have known better, being that I'm now working in the cancer social service industry, and I'm a cancer survivor who made an incredible milestone! This is what this organization works for, giving people with cancer hope of a normal life. I'm so grateful that I have such a job that makes my pregnancy easier instead of more complicated. I don't know how I would have done this with my old employer, it just would have been that much more difficult and stressful. I get to enjoy this era of my life, instead of worrying about it!

The Miracle of Life

We had our first ultrasound yesterday, and we have a little six-week old bean! It was amazing to see the little heart beating so powerfully. I think you can actually see the little flaps of arms and legs beginning to emerge. My mind is put a little more at ease now that I saw that beating heart. They say that once you see that your chances of miscarriage decrease tremendously. But, I'd be lying if I said that it still wasn't on my mind. I just want everything to go well. I know I"m taking a risk, putting my pregnancy out there and telling everyone about it before that twelve-week window elapses. I know I will be crushed and devistated if anything happens to little baby Steinman, but I also know that I will be helping others who have gone through, or will be going through this process one day. That was my goal of making this all so public. So, I will again have faith that everything has a purpose, even if that purpose is education.

My mom and I went and oogled at baby goodies after my ultrasound. It was so much fun looking at all the amazing stuff out there, and imagining it all being in my house. I can't wait to have the warmth of my baby's body against mine, to smell his (or her) hair, to see his eye's for the first time. I can't wait for that first smile, the first time he squeezes my finger, or sneezes in my face. I've wanted the joys of motherhood for so long, and for so long feared it would never be mine. I am just grateful for this experience, and I can't wait until he comes into this world.

I wonder if the cancer journey didn't help me a little with the conception process. Prior to my cancer I had also been diagnosed with endometriosis and hormone irregularities. I wonder if the chemo maybe didn't kill off some remaining endometrial tissue that could have prevented a pregnancy. I wonder if the Depo didn't regulate my hormones just long enough to make conception possible. I'm going to stick with my theory, which makes it possible that cancer isn't all bad. Well, I already knew that it wasn't all bad. Cancer has changed my life. I don't know if I'd say that it's changed who I am, but it has definitely changed my path. And I'm loving the path I'm on. But I still have to say: SCREW YOU CANCER! I DID IT ANYWAY, EVEN IF YOU TRIED TO TAKE IT AWAY!

Contemplation

So, I had dinner last night with a good friend in the cancer community. I started my new job this week in the city, and though exhausted, Kairol made me baked chicken with organic tomatoes and a great pasta salad with olives and artichokes...mmmm... After dinner, and over some yummy tea and pastries, we discussed my pregnancy and my blog, and just about life after and during cancer. It was a free for all, and boy can she and I talk! It's great to be able to talk to someone about the cancer stuff, and not have them look at me like I'm an alien. But our talk stirred up a whole lot of issues, concerns and excitements.

John and I are so unbelievably excited about our new addition...our little tax write-off we have so lovingly coined. We've talked about all the fun things to come, the birthdays, the holidays. We've started looking at baby gear; I even started my registry (I know, I'm lame!) But it's so great to finally have something good to look forward to. After the last year and a half of only having those dreaded scans that tell you that you have another 6 months to live cancer free, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something positive to look forward to, and now we have it!

I wonder what my pregnancy will be like: will I be more susceptible to post-partum depression? Will I appreciate every ache and pain and savor the fact that I'm still alive to feel them, alive to experience them; or will I worry that it's a sign of something bad to come? Will I be a glowing Buddha belly, or a weary anxious blob? Every once in awhile I hear that damn voice, telling me that something bad could still happen: that I could still loose the pregnancy, that my cancer could come back during my pregnancy, that my baby could be born and be diagnosed with cancer at some point. Those are thoughts that frighten me, but I keep pushing them back. For right now, I'm excited about all to come! I have no reservations, but it still strikes me how interwoven my pregnancy is with my cancer experience. If it wasn't for needing to get a scan, I still may not know that I'm pregnant. If it wasn't for my angst over my scans, John and I wouldn't have made the decision to start our family when we did. It's amazing how I wouldn't be where I am without my cancer. Though it's not something warm and fuzzy that I would want to give to someone else, my cancer has taught me a lot, and has given me more opportunity than anything else ever has. It's funny how it works, but I guess it just does.

Well, I've got two more days until my ultrasound which will tell us just how much longer we have to wait for our little bean to come. Then, the next step is finding out if our home will be covered in pink or blue in the months to come. Either way, we just want a happy, healthy child.

It's Official

It's official! We had our first baby-mamma appointment yesterday, and we confirmed what the home tests had said. I guess there's always that nagging thought in the back of my head that just waits to hear something bad. I'm so used to hearing crappy news from the medical world that when something good transpires, it's difficult to believe it immediately. I can't explain the feeling I felt when, after the nurse walked away with my paper bag of precious pee, she re-entered the room and gave a simple 'congratulations.' I screeched in excitement, that finally for once I heard words of joy come from a nurse's mouth.

Now, it's trying to figure out just how far along we are. It's going to be fun...my body just can't handle being easy I guess. We decided to go off the BC in November, and my doctor had told me that it could be 6-18 months before I even started ovulating again. It's been just over five months, and no period, so nothing to base the dating of our pregnancy off of. I know that when I was in the hospital in early February for a bad viral infection (I told you I've had nothing good in the medical world) they had done pregnancy tests which were negative. My thoughts are that when I was spotting in late February, that could have been when implantation was taking place. If I'm correct in that, then I'm already 9 weeks along, and will be due in mid-November. I will be having an ultrasound next week to give us some more clues. Regardless, we will have a new baby for the holidays; how incredibly exciting!

But excitement just doesn't encompass the feeling I have right now. Elated, overjoyed, normal. Normal is a feeling I'm more happy to feel than any other. While driving home yesterday, I broke down in tears telling John just how happy I am to feel like a normal, competent woman again. Truth is, I wondered if I would be able to conceive at all. When you go through what I have as a woman, it's pretty difficult to think anything else. I had even had IUD gyno tell me that I would most likely have to take fertility drugs to even fathom conceiving semi-naturally. I told John that his swimmers must be pretty potent, because they sure did seek and destroy! Well, he can do anything he sets his mind to, so I suppose it's not too abnormal that his sperm would do the same.

Our family is beyond elated. They have been there with us through all the bad stuff, and they too expect the worst when it comes to my health. We had thrown around the idea of waiting until Mother's Day to break the news, and to do it in a fun and exciting way. However, I'm the person who can't wait to tell someone what I got them for Christmas, much less keep the news in that we're having a baby. I don't think there's been a single Christmas or birthday that I haven't given John his present way before the big day; there was no way I could handle keeping this in for six whole weeks. The memory of telling my parents is one I will never forget! My dad answered the phone, true to form was downstairs in his office and banged on the wall to get my mom to pick up. When she did, I made sure I kept them both on. "I have some news," I said. "You're pregnant," my dad said, to which I gave an affirmative reply. My mom shouted, "Jennifer...you are?!?! DJ (my brother), Jen's pregnant!" And my brother shouted back, "I'm gonna be an uncle!" We stayed on the phone, reveling in the news. I told them that we would have a baby for the holidays, and my dad, the big teddy-bear he is said, "This will bring a whole new meaning to Christmas!"

So for today, excitement is the emotion of the day. Right now, I have the energy to hold back the negative thoughts that sometimes creep in. I will count down the days through my first trimester, crossing my fingers that my baby and I stay healthy and tranverse the journey to come successfully. I don't know what I'll do if anything bad happens to our baby, or if I lose the pregnancy altogether. I don't want to be a jaded person, so I will muster the strength to keep those thoughts at bay. For now, I just want to bask in the joy of creating life and savor every cramp and pain I have right now, knowing that it's all a sign of normalcy.

A New Journey: Part 1

How should one feel about living life after cancer? Do we appreciate the fruitsof life even more, savoring every moment, tasting every new experience? Or do we cower away in angst, afraid of every bump, every bruise we get along the way? The fact of the matter is that you can figure out how to be a cancer patient: you can read books on your different treatments and what side-effects to expect; you can shave your head in preparation of losing your hair or pierce your nipple to spite losing your breast. You can listen to others tell you how to listen to your body and mind the fatigue, and you can learn to walk again after losing a leg.

What they didn't tell us is what to do when it's all done. They didn't tell us about the after effects of being a cancer patient, much less a young adult cancer patient. They didn't tell us how cope with not being able to keep up with our friends. They didn't tell us how to prepare for subsequent check-up scans that throw us right back into the cancer experience. And they certainly didn't tell us how to face the myriad of life experiences we have ahead of us with the new eyes of "cancer survivor", which as young adults we have many. And just in life's true form, those experiences speed at you just when you least expect it, even though some of us (including myself) think we have the ability to plan for and evaluate those experiences.

So, imagine my surprise when my body started speaking to me, and boy was it sending me some weird messages. Imagine while going through the preparation of getting another check-up scan, reminding me that yes I was still a cancer survivor, they ask that begging question they ask all women of child-bearing age...and then it hit me. Wow, I thought, could it be? Perhaps I should back up a little...

For as long as I can remember, all I've really truly wanted to be is a mom. Just the thought of creating a life and watching it grow...shaping him, molder her, helping my little wee one grow up to be the person they're destined to become, and watching the process all over again as they birth and raise their own children. I never thought in a million years that my ability to live the human dream of raising offspring would ever be in question. So, when the day came that I heard those three fateful words, the fact that my fertility would possibly be in question didn't immediately come to mind. But, when it did, I was crushed. I asked for time to think about what I was going to do...and I made the choice then to let nature take its course. I didn't want to go through 3-6 weeks of hormone therapy, just to have my ovaries invaded by big needle. I didn't want my husband John to have to spooge in a cup in a cold room, or our offspring floating in a petree dish for a few days before finally being turned into an ice-pop to sit around and wait for me to escape with my life. I felt that I would be no good to my frozen popsicle embryos if my vagina wasn't around for them to be inserted into.

When I started my treatment, my oncologist had informed me that the estrogen in the birth control pill I'd been on for over ten years would interfere with my chemo. I went to my then gynocologist who first suggested an IUD,which, after reading the pamphlet HE gave me, read that an IUD "shouldn't be used by immuno compromised patients"...HELLO!!!! What does chemo do? Thankfully one of his nurses suggested the DepoProvera shot. And, even though I had heard nothing but horror stories about the shot, after talking it over with my oncologist we decided it would be the best choice. I had been on the shot through my cancer treatment, and had stayed on it afterwards just for the convienence of it. Besides, not getting a period was cool (sorry guys if you can't relate.)

During the time after my treatment, I went through the anxiety and depression that I think many of us young adult survivors go through. Especially when scans would come up, I would go through this really down cancer funk. I found myself fearing every new experience, every question of what would be. I hated that I had become someone who was afraid of life. I used to be a person who loved life, who was excited about everything I had ahead of me, and here I was staying up at night constantly worrying about every little thing that could go wrong, and forgetting that there's a whole lot that could go right. So, when my November 2007 scan came, I decided that I'd had enough.

I sat down with John and asked how he felt about what life we had to come. Specifically, I asked him when he thought we'd be ready to be parents. John told me that he had been thinking about that himself lately, and wondering when that time would come. I told him that I was tired of having nothing to look forward to besides a scan that tells me wether I'd continue being a cancer survivor, or be thrown back into the world of cancer patient; I needed something more positive to look forward to. We made the decision that if the scan came back clean, that we would go off birth control and again trust nature to take its course. Deep down I hoped that nature would be kind. After all, we were praised for not taking more proactive measures with our fertility, praised that we were trusting God. Now, I don't know that everything happens for a reason; I don't know if it's God who decides who's a mom or who isn't. What I do know, and knew then, is that the world works in mysterious ways. I knew that if I was meant to be a mom, I would be. If I was meant to bring my own offspring into the world, I would. And if I was meant to take a child without a home, or a child needing a better start into my heart, then I will. That is not to say that I won't do everything in my power to feel the joys and pains of birthing my own biological child. I will do everything in my power to produce a namesake for my husband.

With that said, it was off to the gynecologist once again (a new one this time after the IUD incident) to discuss going off the shot. She was very straight forward with me that it takes many women a long time to begin cycling again after the depo shot. She told me that it could be anywhere between 6 to 18 months before I would even start ovulating again. And with my history, we both thought it was a strong possibility that it would take me more towards the longer end. But still, it felt good to once again be on the journey of life, opening myself up to wherever it would take me. So, imagine my surprise when toward the end of February 2008 I started spotting. It was nothing exciting, not even panty liner worthy, but it was something more recognizable of that little red friend who had been there since I was 9, and had abruptly disappeared when I got my cancer patient badge. I diligently marked the date in my calendar, February 26, 2008, and awaited for that time to come the next month to be sure that I was really becomming a normal woman again.

So, now we're back to present. My date had come, and I had become aware that my breasts had been extremely tender for a few weeks now, that I had been cramping lightly but had become a little more intense. I found myself running to the bathroom, tampon in hand, on more than one occasion just to find a clear tissue. I had been urinating more frequently, and was tired all the time. And then, another scan came up again, and during the pre-screening they asked the question, "is there any possibility that you could be pregnant?" I told them that I wasn't on any birth control and wasn't doing anything to prevent it from happening, so they agreed that we should do a test before the scan.

But over that night, I couldn't help but think, could it be? My gynocologist had also told me that some women immediately get pregnant after coming off depo and never get a period back. I didn't think I'd be so lucky, after all I also had my endometriosis to contend with on top of the chemo and the depo shot itself. But, my mind was still reeling, and true to my controlling self, I decided to pick up a pregnancy test when I was grocery shopping that next afternoon.
I came home, went and peed on the stick, and continued to unload groceries. When I was finished, I returned to the bathroom, and....

THERE IS NO F%CKING WAY!

I grabbed the test and ran into the kitchen where there was better light. It looked like a line...a faded line, but a line nontheless. I was still in disbelief. I called my girlfriend who is currently pregnant with her second. "Can you come over here and look at this," I asked, "you have more experience with this than I do." I brought the test to her house, "yep, that's a line." I was shocked, I was breathless. I had gotten a two-pack of tests, and still doubting the line, I decided to take the other test first thing in the morning. There was no question about that one...I'M PREGNANT!

I couldnt' believe it...I still can't. Even as I sit here writing this, waiting to leave for my very first baby-mamma appointment, there that little voice in the back of my mind nagging me that maybe the test was wrong, maybe this is just another bad medical thing causing a positive result. I think that's the fear of cancer survivor talking, but yet deep down I know that it's true. I'm going to be a mom!

I have looked, yet again, for information on how to be a cancer survivor mom. So far, I've found nothing. Not even a website dedicated to women who get diagnosed with cancer while pregnant hasn't give me any information on how to do this. How does one be a mom and a cancer survivor? How does one cope with the fear of the cancer coming back, or the fear of the remaining side-effects combined with the fear of being responsible for another's life? So, I've decided to share my journey with all of you. I will chronicle my pregnancy and my post-partum days in hopes that other men and women going through this will know that they are not alone, and to let those who have these days yet to come know that there is still hope...